Things we are not proud of...

We all do some things that we are not proud of. Well, at least I have always thought that was the case. After all, we are human and do not always make the best choices all the time. I am struggling with something that I am not proud of. I drink. Too much. Too often.

After this summer, I decided that I could no longer drink red wine as I couldn't seem to stop. I figured this would be a good measure for me. Most of the time that was true and I allowed myself to drink beer. Now, I have discovered this is not good for me either. Sure, I could drink one or two and be fine. If I could drink one or two. And I don't think that I can in all circumstances so, I have decided to be a non-drinking person.

This is very hard for me to admit to myself, and even more difficult to admit to others. I am ashamed of my behavior of late. I don't like having to worry about angering people, particularly my partner. I do not want to disappoint her. And I want to be healthy. I decided that sharing my decision with people (even if no one ever reads this) will help me with personal accountability. And I might need that.

Anniversary

An anniversary (from the Latin anniversarius, from the words for year and to turn, meaning (re)turning yearly) is a day that commemorates and/or celebrates a past event that occurred on the same day of the year as the initial event (Wikipedia.org, 2008).

Today is my anniversary.

One year ago today, waiting for the oil to be changed in my car, I learned I had breast cancer. Invasive and dark. Looming and hiding. And I found myself at a cross-roads, having to make decisions that would change the path of my life and significantly affect those around me. The kind of decisions you cannot change your mind about...once they remove your breasts, they cannot put them back on. Sure, they can put in new ones but that is not the same.

What a year it has been...

One of the ED nurses keeps asking me what I have learned as a result of my cancer diagnosis. I have been telling her that I know have learned things but I have not taken the time to put my thoughts together...There are so many things rolling around in my brain. So what have I learned? I am afraid to admit that all of those motivational cliches are true. Live everyday to its fullest, tell people you love them, insight through challenge and learning through painful experiences. Sure, they're all true. And I am kind of disappointed to say that I believe in all of these things. I have never been one to embrace cliche as truth. But I suppose cliche comes from somewhere.

In the past year, I have found tremendous strength in my family and friends. There is nothing like a little cancer to challenge your relationship with those you love. This year has challenged both Mary and I. We have spent periods of time talking about all of this and periods not talking about all of this. The periods of silent being have been just as important as the periods of talking. I know that I would not be sitting at my computer, healthy and centered without Mary's support, encouragement and love.

I think my health needs have also challenged my relationships with my other family members. The lines of communication among all of the members have been extended more. As a group, I feel we are more comfortable with each other. The newer family members are more integrated. There seems to be new understandings of who each of us is and what we each bring to the family unit.

And my friends...incredible. We are blessed with loving, caring friends.

I am looking forward to a quiet day today...relatively speaking that is. I am teaching class today and then working in the ED. Not truly a quiet day but to me, one that is normal. A day that is comfortable and one that I feel competent with. I know how to teach and care for my patients. I am the expert today, not the novice handed some devestating news.

So here's to the next year. Continued health, life and love. Here's the year in review...