Monday, February 09, 2009

2


I was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago today. I was sitting in the repair shop customer lounge waiting for my car to be finished. I will never forget the feeling of numbness that hit me as I struggled to find a piece of paper to write on, demanding to my nurse practitioner that she read me "exactly what the pathology report says!" The numbness continued as I went home and immediately started to look up every single word of the pathology report online. I am an emergency care provider, not an oncology provider. I had no idea of what was happening to me.


I spent the first several days after my diagnosis feeling very numb yet very certain of each decision I made. There was little discussion about how things would unfold...I would do everything I could to maximize my recovery and long-term survival. I never want to look bad at the decisions I made about my breast cancer and regret something...or wish I had done something different. Thus far, I have been very comfortable with my decisions. Confident in them? Not so much...that remains to be seen.
A friend recently asked me what the experience of breast cancer was like for me. I couldn't really answer her. Today it came to me. It was like standing on a road that you could see for miles (the kind they show in movies, out there in the desert southwest) and right in front of you was a HUGE hole in the road. You can't see exactly what is in there and you can't quite figure out exactly how big the hole is but you can see the road on the other side, continuing on to somewhere in the future. I had to get over that hole in order to contine on the road that was my life. The hole is my breast cancer. I could go around it but that may have have some consequences and problems associated with it. Going over it? Probably not such a great idea. If I wanted to keep moving along on my road, I had to go through it...climb down the hole that was surgeries and chemotherapy to emerge and continue on the road.

I entered the hole with tremendous love and support. The days were dark and some of them scary but I got through it. I began to climb back out and now, continue on my road. There were some interesting lessons in the hole. I hate to say it but all of those 'living in the moment' cliches ARE true so believe them.

I experienced some tremendous losses during my care and treatment. I lost body parts, dignity, privacy and occasionally, hope. But some of these things are back...except the body parts. In fact, since my diagnosis I have lost more. What I have realized though, is through the losses comes some wins. A life. A new perspective. Different relationships with people around me. Different thoughts about life, love and hope.

So as I mark this day, I have this revelation: A loss is a win. At least it has been thus far!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Happy Birthday Piper!

Piper is 2-years-old today. We love this silly, goofy, naughty Great Dane! Her breeder has new puppies and we are going to Florida in March...



Sunday, January 18, 2009

Personal Responsiblity

Something that has always been important to me is personal responsiblity. Just to be sure I thought Iknew what Iwas talked about, I turned to Google.com and put the term in. I expected to find thousands of responses. I got just 10 back. Apparently it is not the issue I thought it to be.

One website I looked at said this "Taking personal responsibility means you acknowledge and accept that you are answerable for the outcome of your life. Life always gives you the consequences related to your actions or inaction. Being responsible indicates that you accept accountability and are in control" (about-personal-growth.com, para. 1). Hmmm.....

I try to take responsiblity for all of my actions. I cannot take responsiblity for those that I am not aware of, like if my words or actions wound someone. I rely on that person to bring this to my attention. In those cases, I can then take responsiblity for my actions with an apology, a change, or an ammend. I do use a very direct communication style, expecting those with whom I communication to talk back to me, ask questions and to respond to my words. Again, without that give and take, I cannot take responsbility for my words...but I would given the opportunity.

Because I feel strongly about personal responsibilty, I get very impatient with people who do not take responsiblity for their actions. I deal with this in many areas of my life. Some of my students do not like to take responsiblity for their actions. Instead of simply saying they forgot to do an assignment (or turn it in or whatever) they feel as though they must create gigantic sagas for what they missed and why they do not deserve to have any consequences for their actions. Ok. I can be a bit forgiving on this. After all, they are learning.

The ones that I get most impatient with are my comtemporaries who cannot seem to take responsiblity for their actions. These are mature adults who feel perfectly justified in stealing something from others by saying "it's what I was owed". Mature adults who will lie and implicate other people to protect themselves from the consequences of their own actions. Those are the people that will throw their "friends" under the bus to protect themselves. These are people that I do not have the time for in my life.

Imagine a world in which people took responsiblity for their actions...what if they said, "you're right, I do owe you that money." Or, "I'm sorry I lied to you about that." Or, my favorite and seemingly the simplest, "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Wouldn't we all be happier and calmer?


Reference
About-Personal-Growth.com (2009). Are you mature enough to accept responsiblity for how your life turned out? Retrieved January 18, 2009 from http://www.about-personal-growth.com/personal-responsibility.html

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Winter Sun


Spots in which to sun yourself during the winter are difficult to find. My little Piper seems to be the master at finding the sunniest spot in the house. This was her this morning. Note...the temperature was -12 F and there is alot of snow out there!


Thursday, January 01, 2009

Is this as good as it gets?


Happy New Year to everyone. Over the years I have found there are a couple of days each year that I am more pensive. Today is one of them. It's a point at which we naturally pause, look back and decide where to go from there.

We are lucky. We had a very good year. We are both healthy and my cancer is in remission. Our family members are healthy as well. We lost no one close to us this year either. Our mutts think we are the best humans on the entire planet. We are fortunate to be working in recession-proof fields and do not have to worry about layoffs or unemployment. We have plenty of everything we need and many things we don't.

Is this as good as it gets?

Maybe...in fact, for me it is. We are comfortable and blessed. Certainly there are ways in which I can be a better human. Practicing more compassion for those around me and approaching situations more gently would be a welcomed change. Fortunately people (me) are able to change and grow at every age.

And into 2009, I plan no resolutions. They are just ways in which we set ourselves up to fail and feel bad. Regrets? Just a couple and they are staying in 2008. There is no reason to carry them on into the new year.

May 2009 offer the best to you and your loved ones. Happy New Year.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Holiday Letter

It's that time of year when our mailboxes fill with holiday greetings and inevitably, a few of those holiday letters. This year, we haven't gotten much mail from the mailbox. A few things but not as many as in the past. This could be a sign of the times for a couple of reasons. The economic downturn has many of us changing our traditions a bit. For those of us who are more 'computer savy' we are turning to our keyboards and sending paperless greetings. For Mary and I, it is more likely related to the fact that we haven't sent cards for a couple of years. Whatever the reason, it's okay. It is easy to stay connected to those we love and care about.

We have gotten one wonderful holiday letter. It's from some friends of ours that are the parents of quadruplets (you know who you are!) It's a wonderful letter with a photo. Both Mary and I enjoy it every year. It is a combination of a news update and reflections on the season. Perfect.

So here we go...M and Mary's Holiday E-Letter


Merry Christmas* Everyone!

Of course it is hard to believe that another year has passed. We all say that, and they do go by quickly. Faster as we age. We had an uneventful year and for that, we are very grateful! We spent our time in what has become our typical fashion...working very hard through the cold months so we can play during the warm ones! This spring we spent about a month working on our old boat. The bottom needed to be scrapped, sanded and painted. It doesn't sound like much but that old tub has a big bottom! It took lots of time and thankfully, we had some help from Pat and Mark. It is also a very messy job! The bottom needed some repair. We are so lucky that Mary can take care of so much of this. It is much more economical this way!



Once the spring work was done, it was time for fun. During the early part of the summer we painted the top of the boat with help (?) from Allyson and Tal Christian. I'm never sure how much help these two are...but nonetheless, the boat is now white with blue trim and it is much nicer. It was officially named "Proud Marys'"...and yes, that is plural-possesive. I checked with one of the English professors. The rest of the summer was spent enjoying our friends and family at our floating summer home. We were lucky to be visited by most every one we know, and even some we didn't. Our friend list expands a bit more every year. We particularly enjoyed our 4th of July party and heading our for 5th of July fireworks in Hudson.

But alas, summer ends and we have to cover our girl up. She's now sitting in some icy cold water covered by blue tarps. There is also no floor right now. Some "hey...let's get rid of that icky carpet in the kitchen" has turned into new sewage and water systems, floor and walls. Now I am feeling the need for new cabinets and why we're at it...how about a new sofa? Boat projects are much like house projects.


And now for the family update. George continues going strong at 87. He's living at Mount Olivet Careview in Mpls. on a memory-unit. He is doing very well and surprises us when he rallies back from various challenges. My mom and Bob Cook are happy and well in Golden Valley. They seem to have some new house project or vacation going on all the time. Alas...that is the reason for retirement. The Goldbergers are all fine. Sam just turned 17 and Halle will be 12 in January! I don't have anyone to go to animated movies with anymore. My sister Pat continues to see Mark. I have started referring to him as my brother-in-law. "My sister's boyfriend" sounds too cheesy when you're 50! Allyson (our little Alvin) will be 22 soon and is attending school. She says she is majoring in nursing but then tells me she doesn't really like people much so I am not sure how that is going to work out for her. Mark has 3 great kids: Erin, Matt and Ashley. Along with Erin's boyfriend Shane, we have expanded our circle of nieces and nephews again and we are so happy about that. Our Norway family is doing great as well. Geirid is fine, Silje is 28 already and Tal Christian turns 19 in March. He is finishing his last year of high school and we are thinking about having him live with us full time. He is hoping to enlist in the US Navy (like his dad) next summer so we'll see.

In other events...

I turned 50 this year, mostly quiely and well-supported by alcohol.

Pat walked the Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk-a 60 mile event that culminated with camping each night. For those of you who don't know Pat that alone is an accomplishment but the fact that she walked every single step of it is truly amazing. I worked on the medical crew so got to see her at various times. I can't describe how emotional it was to see her at the end of it. I am so proud of her!

We have both returned to hockey and are playing on a women's team called the Breakaways. We are the last place team in the lowest division of women's hockey in the state. I am the lowest ranked goalie and we are having a blast! We have met some wonderful new friends through this team and while we don't enjoy those games late on cold Sunday nights, it's all fun.

It's been a great year...cancer is in remission and I feel great. Mary is doing well and starting to ponder what she wants to do with retirement. She has some work to do on the boat before we can have you all down there this summer! We have been fortunate to travel some, catch up with friends and make new ones. Below is a slide show of our year.

What more could we hope for...just that all of you are healthy, happy and doing well. Merry Christmas (*yes, we say Merry Christmas) to all of you and yours. Much love and best wishes for the New Year,

M and Mary

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

We're published.



Yes. We're published-Mary and I. A chapter I worked on for this nursing textbook was published. To those not in nursing, it isn't particularly interesting reading but I am proud. And so is Mary. I couldn't have done it without her!

Chapter 24 , page 536-548; Using Nursing Research in Practice

Here's the official citation:

Mackenburg-Mohn, M. (2009). Using Nursing Research in Practice. In J. A. Zerwekh, and J. C. Claborn, Nursing Today: Trends and Transitions (pp. 536-548). St. Louis: Saunders Elsevier.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Bad dog...


Mom says I've been bad. She wants to ship me to my friend Piper in Australia. So maybe I haven't been the best dog in the world lately. I know she liked that pair of shoes that was way up high where she didn't think I could reach them but the butter caper...that could happen to anyone. She shouldn't leave things on the counter especially something so tasty like whole sticks of butter!


Aussie Piper is a very cute puppy and I know she and I would be great friends. I could also visit Chelsea and Shiloh while I am there.


Hmm...maybe a trip to Australia wouldn't be so bad.........

Friday, November 07, 2008

It's here...




It's here. It's snowing. I know that it won't stay around but it does remind me of what is to come. It was actually quite beautiful this morning. The trees were coated with white. Sure, there is more yardwork we could have gotten done (isn't there always?) but we didn't. The first snow of the year means that the fall chores end. We turn our attention to hockey and hanging in front of the fireplace. At least that is what the dogs think is true.


I also noticed a significant number of deer in the yard today. I suspect they have always been there but today with the snow, they became more evident. Of course that resulted in significant barking.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Foto Challenge: Irreplaceable!


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Day in the Life of Piper

A while ago I received a lovely book entitled "A Day in the Life of America". For this book several photographers were asked to take pictures of their world on one particular date. The photos were compiled into the book. It is a wonderful snapshot of live on day in our country. There was a day last week that I was working at home, grading papers. I was planning to spend the entire day at my desk and decided to conduct my own "A Day in the Life of..." photo shoot. At 2 hour intervals I grabbed the camera and took Piper's picture...wherever she was and whatever she was doing. I chose 9 photographs to present. The first one was taken at 8 am and the last one was taken right about midnight. You will notice a significant lack of action. For some she didn't even pick her head up to see what I was doing.

Ah...it truly is a dog's life.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Fall in Minnesota

Yesterday we were both off and decided to embark on an adventure. We put the dogs in the truck and headed to the north shore. We drove through Duluth and up to Silver Bay where we found our friend Marsha at the cabin. We paid her a visit, enjoying a stop at Split Rock Lighthouse on the way. We headed home after dinner at the Scenic Cafe (excellent!) with two very tired dogs! Enjoy the photos.



Thursday, October 02, 2008

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!


It's always something...October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Please~check yourself, schedule your mammogram, support a breast cancer group with a donation, buy Amy's Blend at Caribou or just hug a woman who has dealt with the disease.

Thank you for the support and compassion you all have shown me as I have learned to live with breast cancer.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I Knit...


In addition to my work in the Emergency Department, I teach nursing for a couple of differnt colleges. For one college, I teach in the graduate programs, working with master's and doctoral students in mostly an online format. For the other college, I teach exclusively online. Consequently, I spend literally hours in front of my computer. The majority of my work (curriculum, papers, etc.) is all done electronically and I don't have tangible things to show others.

One of the assignments my graduate students have is to create a personal blog. One of my students did her blog on her love of knitting. Knitting is something I have a passion for myself. Lately I find myself almost craving time to knit. I started thinking about this desire to knit. It was more than just a desire to sit and do something I find relaxing. I think it is related to the amount of time I spend online.

Interacting with a screen and a keyboard doesn't always feel good. Not in an emotional way, but in a physical way. I miss using my hands to interact with something besides a keyboard. I know...it sounds weird. I also miss creating something that is not a word document. I think that is why I knit.

I'm not crazy (or at least I don't think so...) It keeps me sane.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

She did it!


She did it...walked every single step of the 60 mile Breast Cancer 3-Day walk. I am so proud of her! I was there as a medical provider and got to see her periodicallly during the walk. She looked great every time I saw her. The event was so powerful with so many women involved, both with and without cancer. But all 3,000 walkers and 400 crew members had some connection to breast cancer. Since pictures speak louder than words, take a few minutes and watch the slide show of the event. (Hover your mouse over the picture to read the caption.)


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Flat Mary

I went to Yosemite.

At least Flat Mary went...

For my birthday, my hockey friends created Flat Mary on a stick. One of our friends, Shelly took me (Flat Mary) to Yosemite on a hiking trip. Check out my adventures...


Monday, September 01, 2008

Back to School

Today is Labor Day and to me, a more significant day than the New Year's Holiday. Today is a change day, a turning point. While the calendar says we have another 3 weeks of summer, to many of us, summer ends today.

With the end of summer comes the beginning of school. For as long as I can remember, I have loved the first day of school. It is the first day of the next step, a new beginning, a new year. The possibilities lie before us. As a student, I was so excited to begin. I loved the new notebooks and pencils. I couldn't wait to see the syllabus and to meet those who I would spend the next several months with. As a teacher, I am equally excited but for different reasons. I enjoy the excitement the students bring with them. I look forward to the challenge of presenting the information in new and unique ways. I can't wait to witness the 'aha' moments that my students will hopefully have.

But it is the end of the summer. I left the marina today with a melancholy feeling. It was such a great summer. The weather was phenomenal (I know, we need rain) and none of our plans were washed out. We have great tans and I am truly relaxed. We spent time with family and friends alike and enjoyed every moment of the season. But somehow, I feel like the fun times are over and it is back to business only.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Dog Days of Summer

Ahh....the dog days of summer. When there is nothing to do but lounge in the water with your favorite people and canines. Yesterday was quite warm so we took to the beach for an afternoon of relaxation. Last summer Piper was terrified of the water. She would run from waves as they hit the beach. She never got her paws yet except for the one time in which she fell off the dock. Most of this summer it has been the same although she would walk in the water, getting just her paws yet. Yesterday we had a breakthrough. We weren't able to get the 'Mother Ship' all the way up the beach and the water was about 6 inches deep at the end of the ladder. When torn with the need to go through water to go potty or stay on the boat, she opted to get off. OK...she needed some encouragement. But then she discovered how much fun it was and spent the rest of the afternoon splashing through the water and playing with Kaja. I don't think she will ever be a recreational swimmer like our Kaja is but she did discover the water is an enjoyable place to be on a warm afternoon.



Thursday, August 14, 2008

50+

I am now closer to 100 than I am to the day I was born. That was pointed out to me by one of my ED co-workers...thanks.

I have receovered from my birthday angst and the melanoly feelings I had. It was a wonderfully quiet day...quite unlike what you would expect a Leo-woman would want. We spent the day on the boat, went up to Stillwater and had dinner at a great resturant~Nacho Mama's. I would have linked their webpage but I can't seem to find one for them. They have an interesting menu, good drinks and a pretty good beer list. Their patio is nice even though it is bordered by a street. It ws fun.

Since my birthday, well...actually all summer I have been thinking about the concept of normal. How many times I have said "when my life gets back to normal" I do whatever. So what is normal?

There are definately normals in healthcare: normal vital signs, normal x-rays, normal mammograms. While some of these things are absolutes (either positive or negative) most are still a range of what we consider usual or consistent for a given situation. When it comes to people and life situations, I am not sure there is a normal. Sure there are things that we do in the same way every single time we do them...I would suppose that is the closest thing we have to normal. When I look at my life, I am struck by how un-normal I am! I work unusual hours, live in Woodbury, have a giant dog. play hockey and don't generally, act like a 50-year-old.

So what is normal? Whatever we think it is on a given day. Ever changing and evolving...we redefine ourselves and our situations in light of what is going on in our world.

Normal. It is what I am...perhaps.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

50


Today is my 50th Birthday.
I have never experienced sadness with a birthday before but today is difficult. 50 is a turning point. I cannot deny that I am now, middle-aged. I have to check a different box on forms. I am no longer "in my 40's". While women today are different than our mothers were when they turned 50, it still represents a half of a century. And I am not sure that I am "aged to perfection" but I liked the picture. In fact, I am no where close to perfection and thankfully, will never be.
I did some checking online to see if I could come up with an idea of how long I might live. I found this life expectancy calculator online and did it. According to my results, I can expect to live 88.62 years. This calculator is published by the University of Pennsylvania (a reputable agency) and asked questions about my family health history and some about mine but did not ask if I had a history of cancer...hmmmmm. Since this one did not ask very many questions about my personal health, I looked for another one and found a site call "Living to 100" and did theirs. According to them, my life expectancy is 85. According to the Centers for Disease Control (2007), my life expectancy is 77.8 years.
So, based on this information I have somewhere between 27.8 and 38.62 years of my life left. That doesn't seem like enough. What should I do with it?
I want to lose 12 pounds, engage in regular physical activity, drink less and eat better, and live debt-free. This sounds a bit like making New Year's resolutions and we all know how that goes. Perhaps my effort should be aimed at just being myself for another 27.8-38.62 years. I will try to be a bit nicer and I would like to travel more and retire. But aside from that...
I think I will head to the back deck of the boat to sit in the sun (without sunscreen) with a plate of chips and cheese and an icy cold beer...Happy Birthday to me.
References
Centers for Disease Control (2007). Life expectancy. Retrieved August 5, 2008 from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/lifexpec.htm
Foster, D., Chua, C. and Ungar, L. (n.d.) How long will I live? Retrieved August 5, 2008 from http://gosset.wharton.upenn.edu/mortality/