The Dark Place

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a colleague at Children's who was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago. We started talking. We were never close, just colleagues. Immediately we started comparing note: diagnosis, stage, treatment plans, surgeons and oncologists. It is amazing to me that when you meet another survivor, the talk quickly becomes the intimate details of your personal course with the disease. Kind of like women needing to share birth stories I guess. Or perhaps it is because an unspoken understanding exists. Whatever it is, we were standing in the professional staff lounge talking. She had just had her annual check and things were going well. She then asked me if I ever went to the Dark Place...that part of your mind that thinks about the other side of the statistics. You know, the 1% of women with my kind of cancer and treatment who still die from the disease...the Dark Place.

I had to admit to her that I traveled there from time to time but really tried to avoid thinking about that. Call it denial if you'd like but I am not planning to be that 1%. But what if I am. What if that sore spot on my chest is a metastasis? I had my 6-month visit with my oncologist last week. Here was pleased with how well I am doing. All labs and cancer markers (CA27-29) returned to normal and in the case of the cancer marker, dropping like it should. We discussed routine examinations, CT scans and the need for chest x-rays. He told me he isn't too sold on doing alot of routine diagnostics. When I asked him more about this, he (essentially) told me that early diagnosis of breast cancer complications doesn't really change much except that you start your treatment 'weller', before the cancer makes you too sick. I didn't find this very encouraging or comforting at all. What I heard him say is that if I experience a recurrence, there isn't much to be done about it. He also told me that most recurrences are diagnosed within the first two years after treatment.

I left the appointment with Zander feeling relieved that things are well for right now. By the time I got home, I was in the Dark Place pondering the question of how I should live my life knowing that I have a greater chance of dying young. I don't know that I have answered that question yet. I know that I need to keep myself living in the moment, doing my best work and giving my best self whenever possible. But there is so much more that I want to see and do in my life.

For a start, I went on a mini-adventure yesterday. I am in Phoenix right now, to attend the National League for Nursing's Education Summit. It begins on Wednesday but I have been here since Saturday. Yesterday I drove up into the mountains through Sedona and Flagstaff and on to the Grand Canyon. It was a long, and sometimes boring drive that I am so glad I decided to do! Standing at the edge of that canyon helped put me into perspective with the rest of the world. I am such a little part of all that is around us and came before. The natural beauty around us is incredible.

I felt so fortunate to stand there and take this all in. Taking time to just be and observe is not something that I do well or often. I am tooooooo busy for that. I am so glad that I took that time yesterday.

So how does the Grand Canyon tie into the Dark Place? On the drive down the mountain last evening listening to some good music and sipping some good coffee, I reflected on the day. It was an excellent adventure. I began to think about how fortunate I am.

Today I am healthy and have the means to enjoy some travel and new experiences. To do that and enjoy all that I have, I must stay in the light. Going into the Dark Place limits my vision. It interferes with my ability to see what is all around me. It limits my life experience.

I am sure that I will venture into the Dark Place again from time to time. I am hopeful that my visits are short and needless. I hope that I will have the ability to travel back into the light and all there is for me.

A ps on my excellent adventure. It was missing one essential element: Mary. To have her experience this place with me would have made things more interesting and exciting. I miss her.