For those of you who don't know her, this is my partner Mary Mohn. She is a Minneapolis Firefighter. She joined the department nearly 22 years ago, one of a few women on the job. This photo was taken last fall when she (and her firetruck) made a visit to one of my co-worker's neighborhoods. His little guys (That's Quinn and Will) who were dressing up as firefighters for Halloween, quickly put on their costumes and got to crawl all over the big truck. They were so excited.
She is my hero...
Karl Ludwig von Bertalanffy was an Austrian-born biologist (d. 1972) who is credited as one of the founders of general systems theory (GST). His work has undergone various applications and revisions over the years but essentially is known as being the first that suggested a system was greater than the sum of its parts. General systems theory has been used in health care to describe family dynamics and relationships. It is a very complex theory but can be picked apart rather easily and defines system as a set of interacting or interdependent entities which together, form an integrated whole.
I am not sure if systems theory has been considered in terms of the human body but I am guessing that someone has. If you think about it, a human body is a set of interacting entities which come together to form an integrated and functioning whole. Ok. So what happens if some of these entities are removed? Like various parts...tonsils, adenoids, appendix, gall bladder, breasts, ovaries and uterus? Is the system, the human, the same? Or is the system permanently altered to become some other system...
When we are born we have a pretty standard set of 'parts'. These parts form the human anatomy and provide the physiology that makes the 'system' work. Certain parts of the system, like the reproductive parts, create the distinction that occurs between men and women. Having my breasts removed caused me to do some thinking of what makes one female. I went through a process of thinking about that last year when I was post-op and going through chemo. I pretty much resolved that in my head and redefined myself as a woman missing the parts that society used to identify us as one gender. Done. Then came tamoxifen side effects and a hysterectomy. I know have all of the 'parts' that differentiate female. The process began again...redefining, reconsidering, rethinking what I have known to be true in my life.
But then came Thomas Beatie...the pregnant man. I watched his interview with Oprah this week. He is the transgendered man who is now pregnant. In the interview he revealed that he had an elective bilateral mastectomy, began hormonal therapy but decided to keep the uterus, ovaries, etc. One the outside, he looks like a man...facial hair, deeper voice, etc. but on the inside has female parts and is now 6 months pregnant. So is he a pregnant man or a pregnant woman with facial hair?
So how does this relate to me today? We have two selves~that which we present to the world and that which we know intimately. And in applying GST to this, certainly the human body requires certain 'parts' to make the system work. There are some anatomical essentials but reproductive parts are not essential. The body does not rely on the presence of reproductive organs for effective functioning. So despite the loss of many minor body parts in the course of my life, I still consider myself to be greater than the sum of my parts.
I had my surgery yesterday and it went very well. The surgeon came to meet with the two of us in the preoperative area. He went through his talk, finishing with he would meet with Mary when I went to the recovery room. He summed it all up by asking if either of us had other questions. My partner asked him what he would be putting into my abdomen to fill in the space. He looked a bit confusing, like he didn't understand the question. She went on to make some suggestions...packing peanuts, blown-in insulation, and creamy white filling~the stuffing from stuffed toys. He caught on and started laughing, asking me what I would prefer. Mary suggested that packing peanuts would be too lumpy and Piper would want to get the creamy white filling out since that is one of her favorite treats. I think it is good to have your surgeon laughing before he starts cutting on you.
I went into surgery at 11:10 and was awake in the recovery room just after 2:00 pm. We were home just after 7:00 last night. Hysterectomies used to be done through a large open incision with a hospitalization that lasted up to 10 days. Things are different and it was great to sleep in my own bed last night. Of course, I have Mary dotting on me. "What's your pain level now?" "Can I get you anything?" She is also running interference with my large puppy who seems to think that if I am laying down it is to hold her. Right now, that would be a bit painful for me.
All things considered, I am doing great!
We are home. We drove a total of 3658 miles, pumped 182 gallons of gas, slept in other beds 15 nights and listened to 3 complete audiobooks. I am happy to report that aside from some mustard on a hotdog at the Kennedy Space Center, there were no disagreements. At all. Amazing what vacation can do for you!
We are happy to be home. It is cooler here than Florida but there is little snow to be seen. Our girls were so happy to see us, they ran from one of us to the other for quite a while when they discovered we were home. They look terrific and have been very well fed and cared for. Thanks Alvin! And we're real sorry about your camera. (Apparently a digital camera was placed next to a dog toy which Piper decided she needed to have RIGHT NOW!)
We are winding down our time in Florida. In fact, today will be our last day without traveling. We are planning on heading home tomorrow. And I think we are both ready. Even vacationing can get old! Mostly, we miss our girls.
We spent the weekend playing tourist. We visited St. Augustine, Fl., the oldest city in the United States. Some of the buildings are original including Castillo de San Marco, a fort built by the Spanish to protect their territory. Remember? The Spanish originally settled in Florida, long before the Pilgrims arrived to the north. The fort was interesting and made me very happy to have been born in a time when everything about life was exponentially easier. The Fountain of Youth is also located in St. Augustine. We went there and yes, even drank from it. Mary suggested that it may have been too late for me. Nice.
We spent Easter Sunday engaged in worship at our favorite place...the Church of the Open Water (also known as the beach) and then enjoyed a lovely Easter dinner at McDonalds on our way to Orlando. We switched venues and are now staying in Orlando. We have had to spend our days poolside rather than at the beach.
Monday was cool and cloudy. Mary, my theme park lover, picked a park to visit. We initially went to the Magic Kingdom as we have not been there in many years; however, a view of the parking lot confirmed that we had made a bad choice on a holiday and headed for Epcot where we had a great day, complete with eating the ears off of Mickey Mouse.
Today, it's our final day at the pool. We are leaving at 0500 tomorrow to avoid hitting Atlanta during rush hour...a mistake we made just once. We will be home, back to normal life with work, our girls, snow and cold, on Friday.
We are settled into the routine of vacation...getting up when we want to, walks on the beach, and then some playtime. We've hit a couple of local sites when the weather has been less favorable for beachtime. Mary, Mark and Pat went to the Daytona Speedway on Tuesday while I graded papers. Yesterday we all went to Kennedy Space Center. Today the weather report is 78 and sunny! We'll be heading to the beach very soon. The photo at the top is the sunrise Mary and I watched from our balcony this morning. Enjoy the other shots.
We are road trippers...so when it came to making arrangements for our spring vacation, there was no thinking about transportation. It would be a road trip. We left home on Thursday, March 13 with our first destination, Louisville, KY about 10 hours away. Why Louisville? The National Houseboat Expo! We arrived on Thursday evening and settled in. The next day we found some time to spare and decided to take a tour of Churchill Downs. Very fun! We saw the sights (in the rain), had a mint julep and I put my toes on the track.
From there we went to the National Houseboat Expo. It was a boatshow with really big boats! These houseboats were HUGE~120' long and 20' wide. They had hot tubs, fireplaces and every amenity you could think of. One was 5 bedroom, 5 bath with a hot tub and 2 fireplaces. We went hoping to get some ideas about remodeling ours but instead, looked at some incredible vessels.
From there we drove to Knoxville, TN home of the University of Tennessee and Mary's favorite women's basketball team the Lady Vols. It is also the home of the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame. After touring that on Saturday morning, we crossed drove through Asheville, NC in the rain. From there we headed south through South Carolina and ended up Saturday night in Savannah, GA. Finally on Sunday, we arrived at Daytona Beach.
We have a couple of issues with our road trips. The first one is that I am not particularly fond of driving. Most of the time, that is fine with Mary who would prefer to drive anyway. After all, she is a professional driver. When she drives, I am more than happy to provide entertainment and refreshments. I will look at the map when requested. When I do have to drive it is usually because she is sleepy; however, she had a knack for turning the wheel over to me at the least ideal times. For example, I got to drive through Chicago and Indianapolis. I also got to drive on Saturday afternoon through torrential rain, high winds and flying objects. We noticed quite a few cars in the ditches as we continued on. The driving really sucked and Mary decided that would be a good time to discuss hydroplaning, following distances and when the speed limit is not the speed limit. In other words, it was a no-nag critique of my driving. Later on Saturday night on the Weather Channel, we learned I (we) had driven through a line of storms that included multiple tornadoes. No wonder I don't like to drive.
After a night in hotel in Savannah (where it was 82 degrees) that had no electricity (the storms), we headed into Florida. We are now enjoying ourselves on Daytona Beach with Pat and Mark. I have included a few photos and will post more as we go.
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I had an appointment with a new OB/GYN yesterday. A guy a bit older than me. I've worked with him professionally and he's been great to work with. We talked, he did a quick exam and we decided to go ahead with the surgery. Now I am waiting for their scheduler to call and set it up. He is scheduling 4-6 weeks out so it will be a while. Stay tuned.
Instead of having surgery, we've actually gotten some things done around here. Mary installed a new garage door opener for me and the cabinets above the bar in the kitchen are gone! What a huge difference that makes. The kitchen is brighter and obviously, the whole thing is open to the family room. I love it! Now we need to install some lights above the bar and get rid of the ugly light fixture that hangs in the middle of the room.
We've also gotten together with friends this week. How nice that has been! We went to watch Mari Anne's curling match and visited with her and Lil. Last night we had dinner with Judy and Steph. Tonight we are doing a family event with my Mom, her husband Bob and Pat and Mark. That will be nice too.
Piper has grown another inch...since January 21. I can't believe it. She is now just 0.5 inch shorter than Olivia was. She has gained a couple more pounds but is still a skinny thing. She needs to gain about 20 more. If only we could move it from Kaja onto Piper!
The biggest event of the week is that the world is still turning even after my surgery was cancelled. It is always amazing to me what a difference some time makes. I do believe everything happens for a reason although I am not sure what the reason for having to replan for the surgery is yet but I am sure I will figure it out eventually.
Hmmm....that is a good question. My hysterectomy was scheduled for tomorrow, March 5. With just 36 hours remaining in my countdown, I learned it was cancelled. Something about a surgeon who was "really sick." Of course I don't want my surgery done by someone who is "really sick" but really...don't these people have back-up plans? Apparently not.
Let's just recap (and this is going to turn into a rant...but it is MY blog and I can do that if I want to). This surgery was scheduled in December when I was in the midst of some rather unpleasant tamoxifen-related side effects. I decided to wait until March to do it rather than January because this date would give me more time to 'get my affairs in order' and was not during the height of the illness season. Had I not been trying to be good to my students and co-workers, I would be fully recovered by now. But NOOOOOO......instead I have spent (literally) the last 2 months working extra shifts in the ED to build up some extra time as well as planning and posting all of my curriculum for the remainder of the school year. This has created some very long days, particularly in the last 2 weeks.
Additionally, Mary had to make some work exchanges. These are days she will have to work later in the year to repay those that are working for her. With both of our jobs, once you cover your shifts you don't get to change your mind and take them back. You just have time off...in March...with no specific plans. Furthermore, Mary and I planned our vacation around this. We currently have an unused condo in Orlando because we thought it would be too soon for me to travel.
And then there's my hockey team...we qualified for the state tournament this year. An unexpected and very exciting first. As we approached our final games with the possibility of a state tournament in our future, I encouraged the coaches and captains to look for a sub. They have found one who is excited to be playing in the tournament with our team. I am now replaced.
So am I mad? Yes. Not only do I have to live with the continued side effects of tamoxifen, but this little ripple has caused a tsunami in my life. And my choices? Wait until my surgeon returns to work in JULY (she's pregnant and tomorrow was her last surgery day before her delivery) or find a new surgeon. Right now, neither of these options are appealing to me.
And aside from all of the inconveniences, there is the issue of another surgery. I wanted to have my extra parts removed. They are hollow organs located deep in the body which provide a wonderful hiding place for cancer cells. Having the hysterectomy is another step toward stashing the cancer firmly in my past. But I can't do that yet. I can wait and wonder longer. My last breast cancer tumor marker was up some. From my limited understanding of oncology laboratory values, tumor markers are not supposed to increase. When I got the results, I was going to wait to figure that out until after my surgery. So now that I am not having surgery, I have to confront that. And I am scared.
And I am tired...and frustrated...and crabby.
We all do some things that we are not proud of. Well, at least I have always thought that was the case. After all, we are human and do not always make the best choices all the time. I am struggling with something that I am not proud of. I drink. Too much. Too often.
After this summer, I decided that I could no longer drink red wine as I couldn't seem to stop. I figured this would be a good measure for me. Most of the time that was true and I allowed myself to drink beer. Now, I have discovered this is not good for me either. Sure, I could drink one or two and be fine. If I could drink one or two. And I don't think that I can in all circumstances so, I have decided to be a non-drinking person.
This is very hard for me to admit to myself, and even more difficult to admit to others. I am ashamed of my behavior of late. I don't like having to worry about angering people, particularly my partner. I do not want to disappoint her. And I want to be healthy. I decided that sharing my decision with people (even if no one ever reads this) will help me with personal accountability. And I might need that.
An anniversary (from the Latin anniversarius, from the words for year and to turn, meaning (re)turning yearly) is a day that commemorates and/or celebrates a past event that occurred on the same day of the year as the initial event (Wikipedia.org, 2008).
Today is my anniversary.
One year ago today, waiting for the oil to be changed in my car, I learned I had breast cancer. Invasive and dark. Looming and hiding. And I found myself at a cross-roads, having to make decisions that would change the path of my life and significantly affect those around me. The kind of decisions you cannot change your mind about...once they remove your breasts, they cannot put them back on. Sure, they can put in new ones but that is not the same.
What a year it has been...
One of the ED nurses keeps asking me what I have learned as a result of my cancer diagnosis. I have been telling her that I know have learned things but I have not taken the time to put my thoughts together...There are so many things rolling around in my brain. So what have I learned? I am afraid to admit that all of those motivational cliches are true. Live everyday to its fullest, tell people you love them, insight through challenge and learning through painful experiences. Sure, they're all true. And I am kind of disappointed to say that I believe in all of these things. I have never been one to embrace cliche as truth. But I suppose cliche comes from somewhere.
In the past year, I have found tremendous strength in my family and friends. There is nothing like a little cancer to challenge your relationship with those you love. This year has challenged both Mary and I. We have spent periods of time talking about all of this and periods not talking about all of this. The periods of silent being have been just as important as the periods of talking. I know that I would not be sitting at my computer, healthy and centered without Mary's support, encouragement and love.
I think my health needs have also challenged my relationships with my other family members. The lines of communication among all of the members have been extended more. As a group, I feel we are more comfortable with each other. The newer family members are more integrated. There seems to be new understandings of who each of us is and what we each bring to the family unit.
And my friends...incredible. We are blessed with loving, caring friends.
I am looking forward to a quiet day today...relatively speaking that is. I am teaching class today and then working in the ED. Not truly a quiet day but to me, one that is normal. A day that is comfortable and one that I feel competent with. I know how to teach and care for my patients. I am the expert today, not the novice handed some devestating news.
So here's to the next year. Continued health, life and love. Here's the year in review...
Sisters...
I've been thinking about Olivia this week. Perhaps that is because of Piper's birthday, but for whatever reason, she's been on my mind. Olivia did not think much of Piper and Piper adored Olivia. She wanted Livie to play with her, and regularly Piper tried to snuggle with her. We did make some progress before Livie died. This photo sums up their relationship to me. This was taken in April, 2007 and is one of my favorites. There are so many captions for it in my head...but what I would like to think it is a photo of is Olivia showing Piper around the big world. In actuality it was probably Livie trying to get away from her, the little pest.
Today is Piper's birthday...she's is a year old. Days like this make you stop and think about change. For Piper, there has been some BIG changes. Great Danes grow an incredible amount in their first year of life. A typical Great Dane puppy is born at a weight of 1-2 lbs. Piper and her nine siblings were all of 'average' size as Danes go. When we picked her up to bring her home she was about 15 pounds and about 12 inches at the shoulder. Today she is about 95 pounds and 30 inches at the shoulder. I am guestimating her weight since neither of us can pick her up to weigh her so we have to wait until our next vet visit for an 'official' weight. These puppies must achieve the equivalent growth in one year that a human adolescent experiences in 18 years. Amazing. No wonder she naps so often...
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