Going back.

Today I get to do something that alot of people don't like to do...go to work. I am going back to work in the emergency department (ED). I haven't worked a shift since February 13, right before my mastectomies. That is a long time to be off and yet, seems like just yesterday in many ways.

Lots of women with cancer work throughout their treatment. Our friend Liz is a firefighter with Mary who did this. She moved to a "quiet" station, tried to avoid direct contact with sick people and rested when she could. Even my oncologist encouraged me to work during my chemo, and I did~at the college. But I couldn't do both. There was no way I could avoid direct contact with sick people as that is the very nature of our job in the ED during the winter months.

There have been some benefits to being away from the ED. Certainly the most obvious is being off during the busiest time of the year. But being away has given me the time I needed to recuperate and heal, to stop and rest when I needed to and to wallow in my self-pity without having to be nice to anyone else when I wanted to. But I think those days are behind me.

I have missed being in the ED. When you really think about work, it is an important place we go to socialize. We get a certain amount of esteem and hopefully, respect from our work. We feel a sense of satisfaction, challenge and reward for our work. Sure, some days are better than others and some days, I would rather not go but overall, I like my job and have missed it.

Today I also move from being the patient to being the health care provider. I am on the other side of the chart providing rather than seeking the medical care and advice. I'll be the one with the pen in my hand, listening and trying to figure out how to best help my patient. That frightens me. I worry about chemo brain. I worry about making math or medication errors. I worry about making the right or the best decisions for my patients. Today...I will double and triple check everything. I will doubt myself and everything I think I remember. Thankfully I am working with physicians that I trust and respect, who I know will not think less of me if my questions seem silly or dumb. They will help me.

Today...I am going back to work. Today I feel like a survivor. Cancer is becoming a thing in my past, something that I have dealt with. Of course I will think about it and worry about it and it will touch my life again but returning to work is helping with my that perspective. I am finally moving on. I am doing something normal...I am going to go to work.