Oh...woe is me.

I'm having myself a bit of a pity party tonight. It is the eve of my second chemo session and I have had a tremendously great weekend. The weather has been incredibly beautiful and I have felt great. No vomiting in several days and no need for naps the past couple. I was able to get outside dig in the dirt a bit and enjoy the spring. And now, oh...woe is me.

Tomorrow is my chemo #2. I got a call from the oncologist's nurse to let me know my blood counts were great and I was ready for the next treatment. Yippee. I get to go in there tomorrow for 5 hours, get stuck with needles and infused with medications that are going to make me feel horrible for days. What is so ironic about all of it is that no one is making me go. I am choosing to participate in my treatment plan freely. There is no penalty for not showing up and no contract to violate. If I didn't go the only person harmed is me. I can't imagine how I would deal with the guilt and shame I would feel if I have a recurrence knowing I didn't do everything I could possibly do.

So I will go.

On a brighter note, I got an email from my NP friend Kristin to say that she had passed her national acute care certification exam. Congratulations Kristin!! I am very happy for her and her success. I did not pass. I missed the passing grade by 9 points. I have known about this for 3 weeks but was toooooo ashamed of myself to tell anyone but my family and the closest of friends. It is the first thing that I can remember failing in my life. Kristin noted in her email that she downloaded some information about the test and found that the test administrators state that those who fail often have some mitigating life circumstance going on at the time of the test that contributes to their failure. I suppose cancer counts as a life circumstance which could interfere with my test-taking abilities. Nonetheless, I consider myself a bright and well-educated person who should (after being a nurse and an NP for this long) be able to pass a certification exam. I find this failure embarrassing regardless of the circumstances. And yes, I get to take it again. Oh, lucky me.

I will now return to my pity party, already in progress.