Progress

When we brought the puppy home a week ago, Olivia was insensed. She would get up and move away whenever the puppy came near her. She wasn't mean or aggressive in any way...just indignant perhaps because she once again, had to share her space with a new creature. Yesterday I found the two of them laying together on the dog bed in the sun. They weren't interacting but they were on the same bed. They may have even been touching. Now that is progress!

It has been 8 days since we brought Piper into the house. While Kaja warmed to her immediately, Olivia clearly has a different process and her progress has been slower and perhaps, more deliberate.

Observing the progress of my girls got me to thinking about my personal progress. Yesterday marked 2 months since I heard those words, "you've got breast cancer" for the first time. What is progress? We typically equate the term with positive and forward movement. Ok. I think I have achieved a degree of that. I no longer burst into tears when I talk about breast cancer and it is no longer the only topic discussed in our household. That's progress...right?

Many times in the past couple of months, I taken a few steps backwards. From that perspective, I have been able to take a different look at myself and my situation. That's progress too, isn't it? Even if it did involve a move backwards. And certainly, I am progressing in the treatment of my cancer. I survived my first chemo session and look forward to the next, if only to have it too, behind me.

So how do we measure progress? Sometimes in baby steps. Perhaps that is what I am seeing in Olivia and Piper. It is also what I am seeing in myself sometimes. I no longer am so shocked when I see my naked self in the mirror yet my body doesn't feel like mine yet. It still feels different and foreign and the scars are still horrific. I no longer burst into tears for no good reason yet still cry when I have an intimate conversation about my cancer with someone close to me.

I also think we can measure progress in backward steps. Some life experiences cause us to stop, back up and consider the bigger picture...that which is greater than ourself. Our relationships for instance. Without stopping and taking a step backwards for observation, how can we ever do the periodic reevaluation that is so necessary. At many points in the past two months, I have had to look at the relationships in my life. How have they been affected by my breast cancer? How is my partner...and what will our new relationship look like as a result of this diagnosis? What about my other relationships? From that perspective, we become better prepared to move forward once again. Chances are no relationship will be the same as it was before.

So I take a lesson from Olivia. Progress is growth and change. It is allowing ourselves exposure to new things or even, revisiting old things. Progress is a process. It can be difficult or painful. It may be tremendously rewarding. It is often slower that I would like but happens despite us. We could fight progress but that doesn't seem to make much sense to me.