Emotional

Emotional would be the best word to describe me today. I think the reality of this new diagnosis is really becoming a part of me now. I have cancer. I am 48 years old and finally felt as though I had my act together and my life going in the direction I wanted it to go. Now I have cancer. While I believe that I am going to survive this episdoe, the thought of long-term survival is difficult. In my mind, I will always have cancer.

Today it is gray and windy outside. All the weather people can do is talk about "the big one" that is going to hit this weekend. Today I am gray. I am tired of the pain, albeit manageable, it is present. I am tired of the leaky, icky drains hanging from my body. I am tired of people who say they will "get back to me" who don't. I want an appointment with my oncologist and I want to know what to think about my immediate future. I still don't know about my need for chemotherapy and I am growing increasingly impatient with the lack of a care plan.

All of these feelings are difficult for me to express. I cry for no apparent reason. I don't want to work on the computer, read, knit or watch another movie. I want to go to work where I know what I am doing and I am in a bit more control. I want to take the dogs for a walk. I want to worry about the scale increasing a half a pound. I wamt to play hockey, go skiing and obsess about how I am going to get everything done. I want to figure out how to get music from itunes to my (not iPod) mp3 player. I want my life back as it was.

I don't want to think about cancer.