The Past Week

I decided to start the new year with appointments for my annual physical and mammogram. I didn't think too much of it when I got a call after my mammogram that they wanted to repear some of the x-rays. After the second mammogram, the technician told me the x-rays looked fine but the radiologist wanted to talk with me. I have been a health care provider long enough to know that radiologists do want to meet with people who have normal x-rays. 2 hours after this, I was scheduled for a stereotactic biopsy.

On February 8, I had my biopsy. A stereotactic biopsy is done on a special table that has a hole in it. You lie on you abdomen and drop your breast through the hole. The table is raised up and the radiologist and technicians sit under the table. You can feel what is going on, but you can't see people. I kept thinking about a cow getting milked. It was fast though with the procedure done in just about 15 minutes. Then I waited...for 29 hours to be exact, for the results. Of course prior to the biopsy I did all kinds of reading and learned that 80% of biopsies are benign. Isn't the internet wonderful? You can find out all kinds of things, some of which you didn't want to know.

Thursday night was a sleepless one and I was awake and off to school early. I kept my cell phone close so I wouldn't miss THE call. In the afternoon I went to have the oil changed in my car and yes, that is when my primary care provider called with the results. I felt my stomach sink when I heard her say "the news isn't good." She told me I have invasive ductal carcinoma. I made her repeat the information while I frantically searched the waiting room at Woodbury Autocare for a piece of paper. The other things the path report included was a grade of 3 and a Notthingham Score of 9. The cancer is not yet staged. Apparently that will be done after some additional information. She also informed me that the next step was a visit with a surgeon and told me she would call me back with that information. At about that time, they told me my car was done but I really needed to think about having my transmission flushed. If he only could have understood what that little piece of information sounded like just then!

I got in the car, called Mary and burst into tears. She was at work. I couldn't think of anything else but getting home to the computer so I could start my research. When I got home and sat down to start searching the web I had a weird feeling of 'what do I do now?' enter my head. I had my cell phone on one ear talking with Mary and the home phone on the other calling my sister and Betsy. I also had such a sense of needing to get this all figured out right now.

Mary came home from work and made me leave the computer for a while. By then I had an appointment with one surgeon and was trying to identify a second one. I had about 8 different breast cancer websites open and was clicking back and forth reading and trying to comprehend it all. I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by it all. She was right. I just needed to 'be' for awhile. We went to dinner and then to my sister's (where my mother, stepfather and niece were having dinner) so I could tell all of the family at once. My sister Pat's friend, Mark was there too, lending his unique sense of humor to the situation (yes. I will ski on your damn race team next year).

Today is a new day and I am no closer to understanding all of it. I can't describe how angry it makes me feel when I think about the fact that I have spent the last year getting myself to a healthier state only to be diagnosed with cancer. My thoughts are scattered and include everything from "this is no big deal" to "what is the payoff on my life insurance." I know where my power of attorney and living will papers are!

I also spent some additional time online and was able to read and understand more clearly. I found a discussion board that I posted a message to and got some wonderful feedback from those who have been there. I have appointments with 2 different surgeons Monday and Tuesday of next week. One is from the Piper Cancer Center in Mpls. and the other with Allina in St. Paul. Hopefully then I will be able to truly comprehend the situation I am in. I will know what kind of surgery (and/or other treatment) I will need and will have some kind of a treatment plan in place.

You all know how controlling I am. You know that I want to have things in order and know what is going to happen when. Not being able to do that at this point is incredibly difficult for me. I am trying to keep perspective and keep life as usual until something different happens.

I am going to play hockey tonight, hoping that I won't take a hard shot to the left breast. It is still a bit sore from the biopsy.

Stay tuned.